Piss of mind

Marketing is for boys,


Sales is for men!


Operations is for hard hatted beasts,








Finance...was for Dodos.

Seven deadly sins of an MBA

Gluttony:

Overconsumption to the point of waste. Overindulging in legal addictives like caffeine or nicotine or alcohol or all/some of them together.  

Greed:

Giving up eternal stuff for the posession of things of temporal nature. Professional networking (read sucking up) for personal gains; deliberate betrayal of 1st degree contacts (read friends) for better end results.

Sloth:

Laziness to act, indifference towards work and unwillingness to care. Freeloading despite having the capability to contribute to a group task.

Wrath:

Uncontrallable rage leading to self-denial, feelings of revenge and breaking the law. Evident in the form of mail-wars after gigantic egos are hurt.

Envy:

Wishing the other person is deprived of something I am lacking. Evident all the time when the undeserving guy (read everyone except self ) gets accolades or glory of any form. 

Lust:

Cravings of sexual nature. Mostly absent in a B-school but is at peak during placement season when the HR chicks of coveted companies appear sexier than they really are.

Pride:

The most serious and deadliest of all sins as per the Church. Contempt for the peer and love of self. Also, the most widespread sin across all MBAs, for good reasons, of course. Propogated by cocky profs and cockier business leaders. 

Glad to confess I am as sinful as Lucifer.

~Phony.

Curiosity killed the MBA

Phony: Dude, this whole gimmick suck...there's no friendship here, only networking; there's no  helping, only favors, and they still take pride in their fake ass CSR shit!

Sun King: Ever heard of Pandora's Box?

Phony: urm...I know what a box is.

Sun King: Well, you are close, however, it's more than that...to simplfy, Pandora was a pussy cat, a punishment for overworked grads and hopeful freshers. She was given many seductive gifts from the higher Gods.

The grad ignored the warning of their seniors and pursued her relentlessly every winter when she was on heat. Eventually he was successful in marrying her and that's when the real trouble started. Grad, who had a gift of curiosity owing to his intellectual background, opened her box, only to be sucked in. Not only was he sucked in, the opened box gave birth to all possible evils he had never known...by the time the grad pulled himself together and closed the box, only one evil remained trapped - Hope.

Now he was faced with burdensome labour, diseases, ills and evils he had never known before. The labour of 20 hour days started taking its toll on the grad who was used to 5 days week and getting stoned on weekends. Diseases like insomnia and nicotine/caffeine addiction unleashed their fury on his healthy body. Seeds of numerous ills were sowed in the grads thinking and actions. 

The only value left in his existence was the Hope...trapped inside the closed box. Grad considered himself lucky, to be the sole owner of the treaure and he opened the box each time he fancied it only to find the greatest of all evils  - Hope. The hope for a better tomorrow. The hope that made him slothful thinking about the good things that may come out of the treaure. Hope, that gave a meaning to his pessimistic existence, and a silver lining in the form of a PPO or a PO in the days to come.

 

Phony's Term Burnout Test

You know you are suffering from Term Burnout when:

• You spend more time figuring out what is the minimum score, attendance required to pass an exam than actually studying.
• When you start showering after the class rather than before and need new body sprays frequently
• When the watchman/peon/drunkard at the college tells you to study harder.
• When you argue with your classmates that actual education happens at the roadside tapri and not in the classroom.
  
• When your attendance looks like your marks in that subject.
• You sleep more in class than at home.
• Pizza delivery is on your speed dial and every delivery boy knows your name.
• You carry your laptop bag to movies, social gatherings, and funerals.
• You realize you haven't paid the phone bill or electricity bill when the service is discontinued. Instead of paying the bill you prefer buying another sim card.
• Your favorite phrase is "I don't give a Damn/Shit/Fuck/Flying Fuck
• When you start smoking and gradually shift to cheaper cigarettes.
• When your sing Paul Macca's C-moon all day long and CCR becomes your favorite band.
  
• When you crave for nicotine/alcohol constantly and invent ways to get high on household medicines.
• You stop answering phones of your old friends and colleagues and do not respond to them on IM.
• Your status on IM is perpetually Busy
• You start liking your unshaven stubbled look and assume that chicks dig it
• You are so pressed for time and resources that you forget going to the loo.
• You have been wearing the same pair of jeans for 3 weeks now and run out of fresh underwears.
  

Freeloaders Inc. founded 20XX by Real Phony

Ways to achieve freeloading nirvana:

Situation 1: Presentation

• When working in a group it is probable that only 1 or 2 speakers would present before the panel. Feign bad oratorial skills. Stammer, stutter and mess up the lines. Ingratiate group members by praising their presentation skills.
  
• If it becomes imperative to present, take up the conclusion or introduction part.
• Crack Jokes, smile, make audience laugh...this kills time and you need not work too much on content.
• Use colourful, animated slides which take forever to appear on the screen.
• Inundate you speech with buzzwords and mindless jargon. Take Pointy haired boss's help or turn to the internet for help.
• Name-drop! Use quotes and sayings of rich and famous. Even if it is a presentation on market segmentation in Lithuania, you can always quote Bertrand Russell, Shaw or DeBono.

Situation 2: Group Assignment

• As soon as the assignment is given, be proactive and divide the work amongst group members. Take your part home and sleep on it.
• Download random search results related to the topic, while watching movies or playing games, and forward the documents to the team. Don't forget to include your unique insight (4 lines of gibberish) in the mail explaining the shortcomings in the downloaded stuff.
• NEVER take up the consolidation part.
  
• Be present for the group meeting before everyone else and leave early. This way you can avoid extra work when group arrives on a conclusion.
• Ascribe any screw-ups to the another person in the group.
• Finally, when everything fails ask yourself what would Wally do?
  

Phony's Survival Manual(TM) for ruthless lectures

ruth·less
–adjective
without pity or compassion; cruel; merciless:

lec·ture
–noun
1. a speech read or delivered before an audience or class, esp. for instruction or to set forth some subject
2. a speech of warning or reproof as to conduct; a long, tedious reprimand.

–verb (used with object)
3. to give a lecture or series of lectures
4. to rebuke or reprimand at some length

ruth·less lec·ture
-noun
1. endless monotonous drawl, usually one sided and non-interactive; with frequent uses of jargon and technical insights; usually supported by cluttered, animated PowerPoint slideshow with too many slides containing graphs, charts and the likes.

Phony would dream of his cubicle whenever he was going through the ordeal of one such lecture. The happy times when he would take frequent coffee breaks, walk to the loo whenever he felt like, browse the internet and watch the silent traffic go by, all day long. He was fortunate to have a cubicle next to a project which had some of the cutest girls in the office and he would intermittently peek into their cubicle, sigh and admire. On good days he would take long lunch breaks with his teammates in the mall nearby and play a round or two of TT too.

"... system for collecting and exploiting information on existing and potential custo...." He observed the scene around with his bleary eyes, while cleaning the pool of saliva formed on the notebook on which he was sleeping. He saw Big Beeny next to him, chin resting precariously on hand, swaying back and forth. Reminded him of Rodin's Thinker with clothes. Tall Tony was sleeping with his mouth open, facing the ceiling and appeared like someone who just saw a UFO in the sky. Students in the front rows were either taking notes, fighting sleep or doing both of these together. Phony started scribbling on his notebook:

survive the ruthless lectures, tips:

1. reach early and find the strategic spot to sit, depends entirely on the prof. if she/he is a locomotive ( moves up n down the aisles) then sit in the front most right/left corner seats. if she/he is a statute in the park (stands behind the podium and hardly moves) then choose the last few benches. if she/he is a satellite (moves all over the classroom) then sit back and enjoy, there's nothing u can do.

2. Avoid sitting next to wisecrackers or doubtful students.

3. newspaper are too noisy n clumsy, carry a book.

4. never forget to carry your laptop n make sure it is always charged fully.

5. install good games in ur mobile, provided u have one.

6. buy one of the behind ear headphones so that, you can listen to music while sleeping.

7. finally exercise and keep ur muscles strong...it helps u sleep in awkward positions.

Real Phony

Like his name Real Phony's life has been full of 'oxymoron s'. Phony tried really hard to bring uniformity in his life but never succeeded. He was a 'Mechanical Engineer' and went mechanically through his engineering degree. He then went on to become a 'software professional' and worked on Microsoft Technologies projects. Phony always wondered while breaking his head over bugs and system crashes - 'Microsoft Works', 'Windows NT(New Technology?)', 'Windows XP(Extra Performace?)', whoever named this must have been smoking some real good shit.

Tired of his 'pretty boring' routine of writing codes and 'software manuals' he turned to the 'standard option' - BEELCT (Bored Employees' Early Life Crisis Test), which would guarantee a place in some of the finest 'business schools" as a 'post graduate student'. It also meant a 'working vacation' for 2 years. Phony started 'day dreaming' of his time away from 'business ethics' and 'extensive briefing' meetings and 'business casuals'. Phony was elated when he stepped in IM JRGN (Institute of Management John Right George Night). The campus was beautiful - sprawling lawns with 'manicured grass', huge 'academic blocks', 'spacious dormitories' et al. Phony started imagining his 'new life' with the IM JRGN stamp deeply embossed on him, equipped with a DiBCL (Diploma in Business Cum Laude) degree, 'managing crisis' for a multi national firm as a CONsultant with 2 'executive assistants' in tow.....